Thursday, 9 October 2008

I Have An Announcement To Make…

You ready?

Here it is:

I am going to be the next Dylan Thomas.

Make of that what you will.

What do you make of it?

Also, I have cooked the greatest spaghetti Bolognese you will never taste. I cooked it for Keith and I. Keith deserves it because even though he’s a selfish swine who drops his mates at the merest hint of a vagina, he’s a fucking talented artist. I mean, just look at this.

Oh, and he thinks my brand new muscles are sexy.

And he’s right.

They are.

In fact, now that I think about it, I might get a tattoo. On my burgeoning bicep. Or elsewhere. I’m not sure where actually.

But wait! What joy! I can whore it out. Oh, I really really love being drunken.

Splenetically Moderated Comment Whore :: What tattoo should I get? And where on my sexier-by-the-day, soon-to-be-drop-dead-gorgeous, oh-my-God-what-have-you-done-turning-down-this-divine-hunk-of-meat body?

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Anonymous said...

tramp stamp over your ass crack. "The Last Supper"...

oh, no... wait... that's the one i'm getting...

La Bête said...

You become more attractive by the comment, Daisy.

Misssy M said...

Nope sorry. I make the best spaghetti bolognaise. Ladles at at dawn.

(Oh, and guilt...I know you said, but....oh my..I feel baaaad)

Anonymous said...

You are really hurting me please stop it.


Selena said...

Are you really Sarah Silverman being all "incognito"?

If you are, I want to let you know that I've had a crush on you for around 6 years. You are on my, "if I were to be a lesbian", list.

If you're not S.S., then you are on my, "this lady is awesomme list."

I have many lists...

Oh Bete- I think THIS would be sexthy on anyone's arm.

Baudelaire? Hmmm...IMHO there's not much that seperates him from the now denounced Wilde.

Are you on your way to becoming a modern day Dandy? I wonder what will happen to the portraits of you on Not Keith's page?

This should be interesting ;-)

Anonymous said...

Personally, I really like tattoos. I have two. It can make for interesting conversations. "Oh, you have a tattoo!"

"Actually I have two. And you have a tattoo too."

Get something colourful. Those Japanese sleeves are fun.


Anonymous said...

Can I just congratulate you please? Five stone? FIVE STONE? That's amazing! It's taken me since Christmas to lose half a stone, and that's only a third of the way there. Five stone. Bloody hell. Go you.


Michael said...

I've always dreamed of getting "The communitarianism of the Incas cannot be denied or disparaged for having evolved under an autocratic regime" tatooed across my chest.

Clare Sudders said...

L O V E on your knuckles.

Clare Sudders said...

P.S. It can be a right pain having to moderate all comments. A much easier solution is to delete objectionable comments as and when they arise. Mostly they don't arise, so mostly you don't have to do anything. Cure rather than prevention.

Anonymous said...

bete - you're stoned. that's about as attractive as i get... nothing to see here. move along...

selena - not Sarah, but coincidently, she's on my "i'd do her on the floor with everybody watching" list... i'll settle for "double m awesome"... thanks!

Sharon said...

I've always thought that well-chosen words- a great quote, or something of your own- are amazingly sexy as a tattoo. Especially when I just see the edge of them peeking out from the edge of someone's shirt... I just want to rip the shirt off to see what the rest says.

Uh... too much information?

somechileanwoman said...

A sleeve with my name written all over it.

Mrs. Hall said...

Well, I started out with a large 'tribal' design on my left bicep. Then I wanted to remove it. But, tribal black is really hard to remove, expensive too.

So I had it covered with a lovely design, it is now much bigger. But at least it is prettier. You can sort of see it in this post (scroll down for the photo).

The only advice I have to give-- is not to get all serious about it. A lot of people put pretentious energy in choosing a 'meaningful' tattoo. And while it should hold some sort of meaning, I would take care in the energy behind the tattoo. The energy stays as long as the tattoo.

I mean jeez, why can't tattoos be fun?

Make yours fun!

Take care Stan,

Mrs. Hall

Eloise said...

I fucking LOVE Under Milk Wood, evangelically so. Other Thomas things too, but especially that. I have the 1954 version recorded off the radio (not in 1954, obviously) and every time I listen to it I remember how superlatively brilliant the language is (and language can be). Do you have it? Can I send it to you if you don't? *Gets mad evangelical gleam in eye*

Genius man. I do not think you should be an alcoholic or die young though.

Re tattoos: my favourite tattoo is one that does not exist. John Irving invented it in his novel "Until I Find You" (which is very good) - the Rose of Jericho, an ordinary-looking (though beautiful) rose, unless you realise that there is a vagina hidden in the centre of the petals. I don't know if anyone's ever actually had one on their skin - google finds you a design someone did, but I don't think it's a very good one - but it's the tattoo I'd get if I ever did. I don't think it's a tattoo for men though... it was only women that got it in the book, and that feels right somehow... I guess because it's about hidden, secret femininity... bleh, I can't put it into words.

My other favourite tattoo is two swallows in flight that I once saw on the left palm of a sleeping tramp. Sublimely beautiful.

Or how about something from the astoundingly filthy Russian Criminal Tattoo Encyclopedia ( I have volume I and am very desirous of volumes II & III. How about a nice butterfly made of cocks?

Ahem. PLEASE do not listen to me. I am a little bit obsessed with tattoos even though I do not have any. I like the classic designs (hearts, swallows, roses, skulls etc) and not the gratuitously ugly ones. But they are very personal and I think you have to think about them A LOT. Please don't get a drunk tattoo! Although if you do we want pictures, obv.

zoe said...

Like Eloise I like the idea of the rose of Jericho from the book, but it is only fiction. I've got 4 tattoos, a small knot I got almost 20 years ago before many people had tattoos, the symbol of my favourite band ( top right hand corner)on my back, the Apple mac apple on one arm and a cupcake on the other.
Get something because it's fun and you like it, no other reason

Anonymous said...

Bonjour La Bête,
Why do you want a tatoo for? It's just a trend of the early century, and unlike clothes, difficult to change when you grow up.
You should ask NotKeith to draw on your skin when you feel like enhancing your soon to be sculptural body. Like an ephemeral work of art.
Uncle Did

Lindy said...

Keith and ME! Keith. and. ME. You've been pulled up on this one before, Bete....take the 'Keith' away and you wouldn't say that you'd cooked for 'I' now would you?! It jars, when the quality of your writing is so up there in every other respect (or perhaps I'm just a pedant)?!

La Bête said...

Misssy, don’t.

Antonia, be quiet now. And you will notice I didn’t approve your offensive comment about me getting a tattoo of an ASSHOLE. That’s because I am done with you.

Selena, I love Sarah Silverman too. Did you see The Great Schlep? Adorable. And no, I am no dandy.

Let me see your tattoos, Maria. Aw, go on.

Thanks, Pearl.

Do it, Michael. I dare you.

L U S T on my knuckles maybe. Done with love. Remember?

There’s no such thing as too much information, Sharon.

Mrs Hall, you are very very very sexy.

Eloise, I just fell in love with it this week. I’m going to talk more about it in a short while. You see if I don’t. And thanks for the other info. I shall look into it shortly.

Thanks, Zoe. I will.

I have no intention of growing up, Uncle Did.


Anonymous said...

My great aunt always wanted a butterfly tattooed on her arm. We were really close, and after she died I decided to get the butterfly that she wanted. It's not on my arm though (apparently that's a symbol of prostitution), it's covering up some teenage self-harm scars on my thigh. I had it done at a point in my life when I was really happy for pretty much the first time ever, and I wanted to commemorate it.

I've also got a moth, which I had done just because I wanted it (and as a reward for dealing with a particularly nasty time at work). When I finally finish the PhD of doom, I'm having another butterfly. How's that for motivation!

As a sidenote, my aunt finally got a tattoo when she was having radiotherapy (they tattoo on dots to use as guides). She was really excited to finally have some ink! I should have known that my boyfriend was the one for me when he reacted to his identical tattoo with similar glee, but it took me a couple of years to catch on.

Sidenote no 2: I find having tattoos done incredibly sexy. Especially when the tattooist is hot, and he leans on my hip bone to steady his hand, so that I can feel the needle vibrating through my hip. Hmm. I feel that a couple of minutes thinking about that might perk up my afternoon of writing press releases...

Selena said...

Bete- I sure did see The Great Shlep and yes, she was utterly adorable! LOL- "Barack means lightning"... I love her...I want to be her; it's kind of scary really. Don't worry- my obsession with her is still perfectly safe, innocent, and quasi-pure.

Michael- you should do it, I'm sure the people of Peru will be thrilled...;-)

Miss Hall- What was your opinon on the Favre issue? Gotta respect a lady who loves football. You are now officially on the Awesome lady list too.

Pearl said...

Oh, and in answer to your question (as opposed to the previous self-centred rant), get a tattoo on your bicep. Damn sexy. Sharon, I agree completely! It doesn't have to be words to do it for me, but I did once have a disappointing experience with a 'panther' which looked like a squashed newt when I peeked under the sleeve.

Heidi said...

I wanted to say this to the previous post - that I loved this line...."a backstairs whisper of what love might be like" It was achingly perfect.

As for a tattoo? My only advice would be to put the tattoo in/on a place you won't regret later. I think a bulging bicep or a calf might be a good location, but, you what you want. I think tattoos can be sexy.

Heidi said...

Ummm...that should be "do what you want". Not "do you what you want" which doesn't make sense.

Larry Teabag said...

Bête, you useless bag of crap. Me've had to talk about this to you before.

I cooked it for Keith and I.

Now, what am I going to say?

Larry Teabag said...

Uh, can I retract that "useless bag of crap" bit? Sorry, don't know what came over me...

La Bête said...

Thanks for that, Spider. Those are great tattoo stories. And you sound kind of wonderful.

Selena, tell me about it. I don’t want to be her exactly, but I want to be achingly close to her. Inside her actually.

Thanks, Heidi. I think I want to get a tattoo on my face.

Not really.

Teabag, I know, I know, I know. Frankly, under the circumstances, I don’t think ‘useless bag of crap’ was overstating it. Me am a useless bag of crap. Me really am.

Anonymous said...

Bête, you've made my week. I think you're all sorts of wonderful.