Thursday, 2 October 2008

The Morag Situation #4 :: So why did we stop?

Later last week...

Scat: So when can we have our first French lesson?

Morag: Stan, I think we should stop being in touch for now.

Scat: Mais non!

Morag: Oui. I’m sorry.

Scat: But why? I thought we were going to be just good friends.

Morag: I don’t think it’s a good idea.
At least not for now.

Scat: You don’t think I can handle it?

Morag: I don’t think it’s particularly healthy for you. Or me for that matter.
For either of us.

Scat: But it’s not like we were going out together in the first place.

Morag: Isn’t it? I think it’s exactly like that.

Scat: So why did we stop?
I really liked it, Morag.
I don’t understand how we got from there to here.
I don’t really know what happened.

Morag: I just don’t think we were singing from the same hymn sheet, Stan.

Scat: Ugh. God. Not the hymn sheet.
Anything but the hymn sheet.

Morag: Sorry.

Scat: I think we were though, that’s the thing.
You just ran off before we could start on a new hymn.

[Time passes.]

Are you sure you know what you’re doing?

Morag: God no.

Scat: I really miss you already.

Morag: This is why I think we should stop communicating for a while.

Scat: For a while? What does that even mean?

Morag: It means let’s see how it goes.

Scat: Let’s see how singing hymns with Christ goes, you mean?
I bet Christ's great at singing hymns.

Morag: You’re just going to have to give me some time to figure out what I want. And I want to give you time to figure out what you want.

Scat: I know what I want.

Morag: Do you? Are you sure?

Scat: Absolutely.

Morag: Well, I’m not. I’m sorry.

[Time passes.]

Scat: I feel sick.

Morag: I’m going to block you on chat for a while, OK?

Scat: Oh Jesus Christ, please don’t do that.

Morag: I have to, Stan, otherwise we’re just going to carry on getting embroiled in these conversations and it’s not going to help either of us.

[Time passes.]

Morag: Stan?

Scat: OK.
Fair enough.

[Time passes.]

I’ll miss you, Morag.

Morag: I’ll miss you too.

Scat: OK. I’m ready.
Block me.

Morag: Bye, Stan.

Scat: Do it.

Morag: xxx

[Time passes.]

Morag is offline. Messages you send will be delivered when Morag comes online.


Comment whoring :: I'll reply to all of the comments from the last few days at the weekend, I promise. There's a little too much to take on board at the moment. I need the space of a Saturday morning... In the meantime, let me ask you :: do you know of anyone who met their partner on the internet and it's actually worked out? I know of one. Hen's teeth, innit?

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Louche said...

Stan - I know of loads of people who have met their partners on the interspaz and it worked out, some of them even have kids. Yes internet babies.

Although, thinking about it none of those were through dating websites.

Alex B said...

Met on OKCupid, getting hitched in a month.

Can work.

Nick Tann said...

My opinion?

Forget her, let her go...

Rope Bunny said...

those words "I told you so" spring to mind. fucki buddies aren't all they're cracked up to be... Let her think. And decide what you want, without seeing her, or speaking to her.

I met each of my long-term partners on the internet. 4 years, 2 years, 2.5 years. I don't regret any of them, and the last one, we've become friends since we split. Good friends. I'm going to visit her today in fact.

It can happen; i see no reason why not.

take it easy

Catofstripes said...

Uh huh. Me. And coincidentally my partner! 11 yrs now.

Before that I met an absolutely insane weirdo on the internet though and we had a very intense 18 months before deciding it was too wrong to continue.

And I continue to meet people through the internet that might have led somewhere if I wasn't already safely tied up with my man. If you see what I mean.

But none of this was via dating rooms, it's through a private (i.e. paid for) conferencing system and I have an advantage over you. Being female in that largely geeky male world.

Nick Tann said...

Sorry I commented on the wrong blog but it still stands.

I met my wife on 5 years ago. I've never been so in love...

I have my own forum for friends that I met on a now defunked social website. I go there dailey to chew the fat and catch up with their news. We've never met, but have shared briths deaths marriage and divorce over the last 10 years or so. I blog too if anyone gives a shit....

mike said...

"Do you know of anyone who met their partner on the internet and it's actually worked out?"

Straight off the top of my head, I can think of three very happy, settled, co-habiting, long-term, couples of my acquaintance (all straight BTW) who met via each others' blogs. Two of the couples are married, and one of the couples has a child.

No, wait: four.

No, wait: five. She's expecting next month.

No, wait: six. Duh, I was even in the pub with them last night.

Jack said...

I did. Four years this month.

Neither of us are inclined to such conversations, however, or we'd have been lucky to make four days without a nasty accident involving soft extremities and a magimix.

Anonymous said...

I know seven. I am one--married 8 years as of September. NOT ONE of these couples who met online met on a dating site. They all met on internet forums for other interests.

I am beginning to think from friends' stories that dating sites are poison.

Peach said...

yeah a friend of mine met her beau at my insistence she join a dating site and they're now married, living in New Zealand and trying for children (she's called fiona and is on my facebook friends btw if you wanna check them out - their wedding photos are up now)

I think you should let morag go. I think you like her all the more that she's now got someone else - you weren't that interested in the beginning and ok sure, you were a slow burner, but she doesn't sound that consistent and frankly, it's painful to read you being all "what happened?" because to me it sounds like you didn't really feel much for her but it was better than nothing, and now you're left with nothing again so you feel bad...

... Big hugs to you sweet stan - I'd try to stay focused on finding someone else and staying "open" (at the risk of sounding like a therapist) to other possibilites.


that idiot, Hen said...

And my, what a night at the pub it was, Mike.

I know of two other Internet couples other than this set of hens teeth. One a forums meet back when the Internet was in nappies and the other a dating site.

Anonymous said...

I met a fantastic girl on a dating site (DatingDirect, I think). I had turned there in despair after struggling to meet people in real life; a friend of mine had it work-out for him and strongly recommended it to me (he met someone and got married a couple of years ago, when these things were really taking off).

Long story short - I'm getting married next Saturday.

We've been together for two-and-a-half years. I love her more than life itself, although we drive each other nuts sometimes. I think that's how it's supposed to be.

I'd recommend it to anyone. It /can/ work.

Clare Sudders said...

I know a few. Anna Pickard from Little Red Boat ( is one.

But here's the thing: For a start, everyone is individual, and people have different styles of communication, whether online or off, and you and Morag never communicated properly. There was no way you two could have got anywhere purely as a result of your online chats, cos there was too much between-the-line reading (often reading between the wrong lines and getting all the wrong answers).

But I've been feeling rather uneasy about your posts and the resultant spoutings in the comment boxes (my own included), and here's why: All we have to go on, and all you have to go on, are these online chat conversations. And we're all extrapolating wildly from that, about who you are, who she is, what you really mean to say, what she really means to say... when in fact none of us has a fucking clue. We haven't met her, we don't know what's really going on in her head.

And that's the bloody obvious pitfall with online relationships. There are too many gaps missing in the communication mode. I suspect it's quite a talent to communicate effectively that way, and you need two people who are very good at it.

Then again, the game-playing you were both doing in your online chats is also done by people in the flesh. So whether online or off, I'd say the secret to a successful relationship is (at least in part) to be open and honest, and assume you know what the other person wants, or thinks, unless they explicitly tell you so. And even then, watch out for people who have got in the habit of not being honest about how they feel or what they want! And remember, dishonesty in those areas often stems from insecurity or misguided attempts not to hurt you, rather than the desire to hurt you.

But, what the hell do I know? I don't. None of us do. We don't have enough info.

Our Glamorous Heroine said...

Oh dear, what a mess. There's nothing more likely to cause tumult in a relationship than two insecure people being defensive at each other. (Well, that's not quite true, a partner coming out, a partner having psychotic episodes or a partner turning out to be a sex criminal are pretty bad but enough of my soap opera love life.)

I think the general miscommunication wasn't helped by such serious conversations being held over messenger. I find internet communication hard at times because you can't see the face of the person you're talking to, hear their voice, pick up on their body language and all of those things are vital to my understanding of what a person's actually saying. That's why when I'm being insecure and defensive and getting in a row on messenger I try to sign off and at least pick up the phone. Doesn't always work but I find it better than IM.

Anyway, enough of my unsolicited advice. I don't think I know anyone who met their partner on the internet and it's worked out but then what with the bunch of dysfunctional reprobates I associate with, it's a wonder any of us are ever in a relationship at all.

Take care, you.

the tombstone said...

Online, real life, it's all the same really. If it's meant to be it will be.

Lizzie Barrett said...

I do know people who've had successful internet relationships, but actually every single one of them is polyamorous or has internet boy or girlfriends as well, so perhaps not. I think the internet makes it easy to fall in love with parts of people, and it hurts so much when they let you down - just like it does when you meet someone in a bar or hook up with a mate or whatever.

I'm really sorry it didn't work out. It was beautifully recorded, though, very truthful, and I recognised some of my own past conversations over IM in these. My own internet thing really didn't work out at all, and yes, she was also sleeping about while claiming to love me, so that bit completely blows.

But if you were happy to reject her because of your pride, then maybe you weren't in love with her as much as you thought. Anyway, chin up, keep going, and you'll find love eventually. I have to believe that or else I'd drink bleach.

Lauren said...

met my ex on the internet, on match --- obviously no it didn't work out.

as far as Morag though, what a b****!! She twisted the situation all up in her little brain to make herself feel better about the crap she was doing. Forget her, find another!!

Lauri Shaw said...

Yes. I met my husband, Jack, on a global hospitality site. We're coming up on two years now. We got married after knowing each other for 5 1/2 weeks.

The website we met on wasn't a dating site. Last year someone interviewed us for, and here is my husband's version of the story.

I'd also like to say we didn't play any games when we first got together. I'd like to say that, but I'd be full of shit. We didn't know each other well, and viewing one another as opponents most of the time during that first year felt unavoidable. Frankly, we're lucky we've made this work at all. We've both grown up a whole lot since we decided on a whim that we ought to get married.

Of course people shouldn't play games in relationships. They shouldn't, but it's naïve to think they won't. Whether or not a relationship can withstand the silly games we play is, I think, the marker for whether or not it's the right relationship for you to be in. That's one bit of criteria, at any rate.

Cat said...

Loads of people, some on dating sites, some through forums and other sites of mutual interest. I suppose like everything else, it only works when both parties are at the same place, in terms of wanting to be in a relationship.

Selena said...

My roommate met his boyfriend online. They are happy- two peas in a pod, but they also weren't fuck buddies to start off with. His boyfriend practically lives with us now and is part of the extended friend family. So it is my belief that online dating can work out.

However, sorry Stan, I don't know anyone whose had a fuck buddy that's turned into an actual relationship. A relationship that has worked out, in the long term.

Also, I think that Morag is right, you both need time to think things over. Very Mature- very not a power play on her part (thank goodness.) Just an honest request for time, trying to do the thing that is best for you both.

Think of it as the whole, "if you want something really badly-then set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours forever- if it doesn't- then it wasn't really yours to begin with," Oh Fuck! That was Sting- Shoot! Well, it still makes sense.

With that being said, you can not just wait about for Morag to come around. She's going to pursue something else and see where it takes her. You should too.

There's no use just pining away hoping that it will work out.
Live your life! Get back on the horse and try, try, again.

I'm not saying that you can't have the obligatory mourning time for your now-ended (put on hold)- quasi relationship.

By all means- sulk, drink wine; rail at love, shout at the moon!

Then once you wake up spent of emotion, hung-over, naked in a clearing (I'm in no way speaking from personal experience here,) dust yourself off and..... march right on home before someone calls the cops. ;-)

Sharon said...

Yeah, I know one- Me. It took me three tries over 8 years to move 2500 miles to Texas to make this work, but work it did- we got married a year ago. This was through AOL personals, so I guess that counts as a dating site.

I have to admit, though, that it took me years to stop feeling uncomfortable when asked that "How did you two meet?" question.

Alex B said...

I agree with Our Glamorous Heroine about picking up the phone, even if it feels like the last person on earth you want to speak to at that moment is your other half. The future-Mrs and I have had some real humdinger rows on IM and have always called each other right away, even if it's to stew in silence for the first ten's painful and hard to speak to someone who has just hurt you about what they've done (or what you've done) but it's essential for the maintenance of a healthy relationship

Lilith said...

I know of at least 5 or 6 couples that met each other on the internet.

I do visit a website regarding certain canadian rocker regularly since six or seven years ago and I know many people who also participe(d) in the forum of that website that got even married.

One of the couples is formed by a girl from Germany and a guy from USA, they fell in love and he decided to leave USA and move to Germany where they are living happily together now.
Another one of the couples is formed by someone from Scotland and someone from Vancouver, in this case the one from Vancouver went to Scotland to get married and then once married they went to live to Vancouver.

And I know about another two, one from France and the other from Quebec who also fell in love and are moving in together soon after years of being apart and in an internet relationship.

Probably you have to work more than in a relationship where you are together, in the same place, since the beggining but... thats life.
It has a positive side too.

Greatings from La Palma!


Eloise said...

*Hugs*. And wot Clare said. She is wise.

I know one, I think. In my experience internet relationships are fucked up a lot of the time - thinking you know a person, but not really knowing them at all - but on the other hand it's a way of making contact with and meeting people you wouldn't have met any other way. Relationships that work out are really rare, whether they start out by meeting online or in real life. But, you only need one...

Anonymous said...

yep. cool couple of bloggers - met on a "young widows" bulletin board. very beautiful story...

as for the communications breakdown - Jeeeeebus! STOP CHATTING! Chat is impossible... when you are both obviously hurting, a little bit twisted up, and wounded... give it a couple weeks. Try a phone call...

it may not be irrepairable. my closest companion and i have worked through some ridiculously dark spells regarding failures, broken trust and communications. it's hard work, though...

Clare Sudders said...

Fwiw... there was a "not" missing from my comment... when I said, "the secret to a successful relationship is (at least in part) to be open and honest, and assume you know what the other person wants" I meant "and NOT assume"...

...but I think that was pretty obvious.

Anonymous said...

Meeting people on the interwebs? I met my ex there. The one I mentioned in "what's the biggest thing you've ever killed?". I guess it works for some. Not all.

Panda said...

Whoops, last comment got lost in cyberspace but basically went thus:

She's not the one.

That possibly doesn't really help you but it feels as if she has been playing with you like a toy, and now she wants to play with something else.

You can do better than that, Stan


caroline said...

I think you should spend a week-end with Not Keith, drinking, smoking spliffs and sharing a bag of oven chips.

It will all look different in the morning x

Mrs. Hall said...


I met Mr. Hall online.

I was a nursing student in a tiny backwoods town surrounded by women. And since I was not a lesbian . . .

But, I met him through hotmail personals. Using the personals was, for me, like screeing applicants for the job of my husband. I read Mr. Hall's profile, and he sounded fantastic and had a job and everything.

We corresponded and he was such a gentleman.

I could go on, but...

It will be our 8 year anniversy soon.

Every day has been awesome.


Mrs. Hall

wish you the best!

Anonymous said...

My brother met his wife online. They've been happily married for about seven years! Mind you, that was his second online attempt at love. The first one seemed OK, but when he went to Canada to meet her, she turned out to be a real asshole. So he tried again - and TRUE LOVE! And I'm very fond of my sister in law too. My whole family is.

Maria in Oregon

ian said...

This is so sad. Your post on meeting Morag was enchanting. Now it sounds like you may have been immature but always good-hearted while Morag comes across as even less mature and calculating and manipulative on top of that.

Rose said...

I was in an internet relationship once. It did not end well.
He lived on the West Coast of U.S. and I lived on the East Coast of U.S.
We talked nearly everyday: internet, phone, snail mail. We even met IRL twice. (No, no intimate things happened, not even a kiss)
But, we changed. Times changed. Things changed.
We stayed friends. But he still wanted to be more. And said so months later.
After realizing that I hurt him by not feeling the same, I apologized profusely. But I never felt it was enough.
Especially, when the few times we talked after that, he sounded a bit bitter with me.
I still to this day regret a lot of what happened.
I'm also afraid of even trying to talk to him.
So, there's my internet stuff.
As for the Morag stuff: It sounds like she didn't and still doesn't know what she wants. And it is best for both of you to keep away from each other. Even though she did it in such a brutal way.
Also, it would be best for you to probably keep away from her after that too.
If you're anything like me, you won't be able to let go of the fact that she slept with someone after you had made your feelings clear to her.
You will be bitter, making a bitter relationship that's no good for anyone.
So, and here's the silly metaphor: she's made a sore on your heart that you have to stop picking at so it can heal.
Also: I've been learning French, too.

zoe said...

I've met my last two significant others online, one lasted 2 years (before he met someone half my age, but then he was 12 years younger than me) and this one, which is going strong after almost 6 months

hang in there.
Have you tried plentyoffishinthesea? I tried it, it was pretty fun

Swineshead said...

This makes for such infuriating reading.

Watching a fuck-buddy get fucked over.

Anonymous said...

I cycled home tonight a bit drunk and was sick over my left arm.

Anonymous said...

Too bad, I've got a blog crush on you! ;)