Friday, 31 October 2008

Feedback Friday :: Turning Point


bulk :: 15st 9
gym visits :: 2
haircuts :: 1
accusations of misogyny :: 4
misogynistic episodes :: 0
misanthropic episodes :: 12
turning points :: 1


It strikes me as kind of funny how I’m always so keen to seize on certain moments in my life and declare them ‘turning points’ or ‘fresh starts’. It seems I’m desperate to imbue quotidian events and decisions with special significance, perhaps in order to convince myself that I’m actually making some definite progress in life. It strikes me as kind of sad too. But I guess it’s normal. Anyway, here we go again.

I’ve reached a turning point. With this blog. With this life.

A few things have happened recently which have probably affected me more than I was prepared to admit, or more than I even realised. One was the end of my relationship with Morag, and the way I dealt with that. (Badly.) One was the reunion with my newly meek, practically lobotomised father and the fairly fundamental news about my life he finally elected to share. (What is it with people and their inability to communicate?) And one was the arrival of ‘the stalker’. (Shudder.)

Speaking of whom, it was only last week that I realised the full extent of the stalker’s derangement. I reread the comments that they’ve been leaving, and continue to leave, and I realised that there were messages hidden in them. I started to get scared for the first time when I realised there were references to books I’ve read recently. It sent a shiver down my spine. They must have been following me – In Real Life – seen me out and about with my nose in a book. Then I remembered that I’d actually blogged about the books I’d been reading, so probably they’d just been reading the blog. Phew. But then I’ve also blogged about where I live, more or less, and I don’t want to start getting paranoid, but… well, I’ve started getting paranoid.

Added to which, a few people have accused me of changing recently, and not for the better. Thing is, on the whole, I tend to agree. I think I have changed a bit recently. And not for the better. Therefore, before they go too far, things have got to change.

First and foremost, this blog has got to change.

No more deeply personal stuff. From now on I’m going to concentrate solely on life’s trifles. Everyday fancies. Crab sticks and horsefeathers. This blog, I finally realise, is supposed to be where I play. Therefore, I need to start enjoying it properly again – I had stopped recently. Also, importantly, I need to draw a line between this blog and my real life. A thick line. In permanent marker pen.

There’s no harm in the occasional real life anecdote of course, but no more of this blow-by-blow analysis and recounting of personal conversations. No more shall the horrible little midgets of my mind be allowed to crawl out onto my keyboard. It’s not fair on anyone.

I’ve made a lot of stupid decisions over the last year, and I admit, sometimes I feel wholly out of my depth.

And recently particularly, I’ve felt like I’m starting to lose control of this blog. It’s like it’s become a microcosm of my life and losing control of it, even to the relatively small extent I have, is a reflection of a wider-ranging trend.

I need therefore, to wrest back control. Also – for God’s sake, listen to me – me, me, me – what I really need to do is step away from myself a little, create a little distance and engage with the rest of the world, because at the moment I am in grave danger of disappearing up my own arse. And nobody wants that.

So, there we are. I probably won’t be blogging as much as I have in the past, but I hope to be a lot more professional about it.

We’ll see.

Fine words butter no parsnips.

Oh, and with reference to Courgettegate, I didn’t really say, ‘I’ve got a woody’. I was just playing. Jesus. What do you think I am?

Don’t answer that. Answer this:

What are you doing this weekend? Anything nice?



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28 comments:

Catofstripes said...

This weekend? I shall be mourning the loss of your personal life, because I don't watch Eastenders and you were filling a gap. I do hope things go well for you in the future.

Apart from that, I've just carved a pumpkin and set out treats. I really resent doing this but feel that if I don't small children will associate me with the bad sort and target my house when they grow up into yobs and vandals. Also, the little kids dressed up make me cry...

Tomorrow I'm going to a party. More people there than I've seen all summer and I think I'm really looking forward to it. There comes a time when too much solitude begins to drive you mad. But it won't be unmixed pleasure as we will be remembering a dear friend who died earlier this year and it still hurts. Always will I think.

Like you, I don't think displaying my entire personal life on a blog is a good idea, but it is so tempting sometimes. I have a secret private blog diary too. It helps.

Anonymous said...

I'd just like the minutes to show that I never, for one moment, believed that you actually said, "I've got a woody".

Maybe you should take it as a compliment that lots of people believed you. Maybe that's an indication that your story was well told. Or maybe I'm just trying to make you feel good about yourself.

I'm not surprised you're a bit scared about your stalker. I'm a bit scared myself, and it's nothing to do with me. She reminds me of the unhinged character in Ian McEwan's 'Enduring Love' (wonderful book, shabby film).


Wellington

Selena said...

Voting and having a Happy Halloween weekend- this includes watching Young Frankenstein and drinking boozey beverages with my friends. I hope you do the same- not the voting bit, of course.

Penelope said...

Disappearing up your own arse is never a good look. I agree about keeping some stuff off the blog, I don't use my real name or make too many references to where I live or what work I do - I've been around online communities for so long that I'm so far beyond paranoid!
This weekend I will mostly be drinking wine, watching Strictly Come Dancing and then meeting a very old school friend for a pub lunch on Sunday. Good times :o)

Anonymous said...

Nope. Not really. Its Halloween today and all I want to do is sleep. But apparently it is the weather. Tomorrow I am invited to three things and I am going to spend my time flitting around from all three not enjoying anything at all. Really I should pick one but I wont and Sunday – wonderful Sunday I am torn I want to spend it in my pjs all day but I also I want to make a roast dinner – this means though that I have to leave the house. Tempted to shop in my pjs – I could you see wear the grey ones (tracky bottom look) with a long black coat on top – or maybe settle on an Indian take away. Anyway those are my plans. Wonder if it will all go pear shaped. Oh and I have to make up with a friend – must stop avoiding that.

Non, Je ne regrette rien said...

A pox on fluff. If you don't give blood sweat and tears, what good is it?

If you start another blog with the real stuff and don't invite me, I'll be more than pissed.

Oh ... the week-end? my son arrives for a visit ... so probably boring conservative motherly stuff instead of my usual swinging from the chandeliers and assuming the position.

Well, you did ask now, didn't you!

Misssy M said...

I think you've made a wise choice. Personal- deeply personal- blogs can be interesting to read and can gain a wide following as a result, but that way danger lies. Most people tend to fall foul of someone reading their blog that they've been critical of or rude about. Either they shut their blog down or get a bookdeal- depends on the level of rudeness. But you seem to have unleashed more.

You, my dear are funny enough to not have to delve into your personal life too much to keep things interesting.

I like to keep myself in check by reminding myself daily that my mother reads my blog. Believe me, there are things that happen to me that I would dearly love to blog about, but don't beacuse I don't want anyone reading to be upset or feel their privacy has been compromised.

Your stalker can get to fuck by the way. What the Hell is wrong with you, stalker? Use the internet for good, not evil. You'll find your life will be a lot better if you stop the nonsense. really, let's call a halt to this.

Shimacat said...

This weekend I will mostly be looking for a hat. Scotland is chilly at this time of year, and my ears get cold while walking. Hats make me look ridiculous, but I don't care overly much. Then I will be snuggling. With the usual triumvirate - fiance, whisky, films.
Bliss.

Have a good one. I'm actually glad you're putting some distance between you and the insidious madness of blogland. Your posts lately had been getting tougher, more extreme, as if you were trying harder, or having to try harder - I'm glad you're stepping back and allowing yourself some space. May it do you good.

DJ Kirkby said...

Gawd, I hope you were joking about having a blog stalker...do those people really exist? Sop losing weight would you? Or at least slow down as I'll be well pissed off if you catch up to me.

daisyfae said...

bounding the blog makes sense... it can be therapeutic and fun even if you're not sharing the atomistic detail of your innermost workings... not to mention the piles...

on the blog, i don't write much about my personal, personal stuff. just working through family demons, writing about my father, and in between farting around. i probably reveal more of myself as i comment on other blogs... odd thought.

halloween party. going as an "Elmo Slayer" (aka: A Plushie). Long story, goofy costume. alcohol likely to play a factor...

Holly Hall said...

Packing up my stuff and moving to my parent's basement. The next weekend, moving my son to me, the weekend after that my daughter.

Then a few weekends after that, Mr. Hall joins us. He is staying behind to ready the house for sale.

The same Mr. Hall that read your post on the hairdresser and said, "Yeah, uh huh." And I said, "What is that about?" And he said, "Well, did you notice that I go to gay guy to get my hair cut? That is a big reason why right there."

You're only human Stan.

Be kind to yourself.

:)

Mrs. Hall

Dan said...

This weekend I shall be working.

I think a light blog is no bad thing. It's nice to have a place to prattle without feeling you need to entertain others with your misery.

Panda said...

Trick, or treat, Stan?

(treat that with the contempt it deserves - but right now I'd bet you'd ask for the trick)

Panda xx

Panda said...

Hey hon

Something weird happens when I try to post to you. But, what I said before, and seemed to get lost in the ether, was:
"Trick or treat?"
-and, although it's now 1st November, I would still love to know which one you'd choose.....

Panda xx

Panda said...

I just realised - I'm not getting this blog-approval thang am I????

(the naturally-blonde) Panda xx

KK said...

Just back from the latest Bond movie (yaaawn). This weekend I will be dreaming about Olga Kurylenko. And when I wake up from that dream I will realise I have work to do.


I have a few requests (if that is allowed) in regards to topics for life's trifles that you will be blogging about. Ofcourse you will write what you damn well please but if at any point you are faced with a shortage of trifles then I would be so very interested to hear what you have to say on the following topics:

1) Procrastination ( Do you suffer from it? Is there a cure?)

2) What is the meaning of life? (The biggest trifle? Is life an accident, What is God upto?)

3)How to get a girl like Olga? (Actually forget that one. Dreaming is so much nicer)

Oh what am I saying?? This is not crabsticks and feathers. This is exactly the opposite. Anyway i'm sure there is no harm in putting off solving mysteries like God and unattainable women for a while longer. Atleast until I finish that essay that was due in last month.....

Saffron said...

I've lost count of how many bloggers have gone through this. Their blogs are the poorer for it.

Whenever someone is being publicly honest about themselves other people shriek and wail pathetically. I've attributed this to the general public (yuck) desperately wanting to believe that everyone else is an adherent of the nuclear family middle class conservative daydream, that they never have "issues" and don't dare think about sex, don't question the way the world around them is ideologically constructed... you know, none of that touchy-feely leftist shit they can't stand; the stuff better known as "brutal honesty".

It's part of that whole American TV censorship issue: don't show sex on TV, then we can pretend that our kids aren't out shagging like wild things most evenings. Keep the violence there, though.

Censored blogs. [sigh]

No point in ranting, as I've censored myself due to backlash in the past. I'm a tad nerdy and have the typically nerdy/geeky terrible inability to refrain from being overly blunt and painfully nosy.

Do what you must, Bête, and I'll just have to settle for being quietly sulky over it.

Zoe said...

I think there comes a point in every blogger's life when they realise that not everyone who reads plays nice. Mine came in September 2005 and from someone whose nickname is Kipper because, in his words, he is 'two faced and spineless' but that is a whole other story.
My weekend? cinema tonight, Ghost Town. Have a good one x

Cat said...

I'm not sure a blog's supposed to be professional - if it is, mine is falling way short. But stalkers are never good, so pulling back a bit makes sense.

This weekend? Working, I'm afraid. But I will be working in my pyjamas, while drinking wine in front of the X Factor. Which is as good as it gets at the moment.

just-thinking said...

Bete,

I moved blogs about a month ago due to too much family stuff that I mentioned in my former blog, (though I never mentioned anyone by name). I completely and 100% agree that sharing every little detail isn't always a good thing for a blog, particularly when there is the risk of stalkers.

Do what you feel you must, Bete. It is YOUR blog after all.

Anonymous said...

I think its sad when it comes to this point, when you feel you can't write whats true, it seems to be happening a lot lately with some blogs they start at a high and fall from then on but its your blog bete, so you do what's best for you, will still love you for it (in a non stalker like sense of course!)

Anonymous said...

I wasn't intending on posting a comment but thought I should. I want you to know that ever since I found your blog courtesy of another I've been reading it very often. Your personal posts have resonated with me not because I'm going through the same stuff but because they are personal, they are 'of life' its many disappointments, sadness, break-ups and yet the many happy moments that come around once in a while. I read the book 'She's come Undone' not because you recommended it but because it touched you and I wanted to be touched too. It seems a long while since I've felt my heart alive inside of me and books, words like your blog have always come close to touching that core inside of me. So Bete, the choice is yours of course but know that your words on your personal life has helped me in my own. It has helped me reconnect, or even smile when my day has been so low. You have a style about you that is so effortless. I hope this gift of yours continues to serve you as long as you live. Use it, share it with us for we need you to. Don't ever forget how special you are with what you say and do and don't ever let anyone let you forget that either. I wish you well. So here ends my two cents..:)

Anonymous said...

Bonjour La Bête
This week end, like every week end, what everybody do in the south of France: Eating good food, drinking fine wines and kissing lovely girls.
Regarding your blog, it's entirely up to you to decide what you are going to write. You've already done light and funny posts, or deep and profound ones, and they've all been great. You've got a real talent, just keep it.
Uncle did

La Bête said...

That's really lovely.

I feel emotional.

Thank you.

La Bête said...

I was aiming that at the post before yours, Did, but what the hell. You can have it too. You old rogue.

Anonymous said...

Me again, the one with the emotional post you said thank you to. You're welcome Bete, I write from the heart just like you do. Just read the many emails between you and the Scum..erm Scambag!! Hilarious stuff!! See what I mean by sharing personal dilemmas/adventures. That was a classic read. Good on you for making him look like the fool he is. Hopefully these buggers get caught out soon. Take care Bete.

Ax

Anonymous said...

I love your blog as it is Stan!

I spent my weekend getting over the flu, handing out candy to trick-or-treaters, and moping around because I really miss my son, who's off on an adventure working as a commercial fisherman and I'm contantly worried he'll sink in a squall, or get eaten by a shark, or bitten by crabs and get gangrene, or thrown overboard after getting hit in the head by a mast or something. You get the idea. And who am I gonna cook for on weekends now? I just might starve because I can't be bothered to cook. I'm really feeling sorry for myself. Sorry.

Maria in Oregon

Eloise said...

I hope I'm not persona non grata round here... sorry, if so. I just wanted to say, belatedly, that I think it's a good thing to create a little distance. I hope you won't stop being honest and personal, at least sometimes, but I think you can do that without blogging your emotional traumas blow-by-blow, or letting the blog dictate your life too much, rather than vice versa. It's good reading but not so good for you I think. But it's an awesome blog and sorry if we forget in the comments that it is also your (sometimes real) life. Rock on!