Monday, 6 October 2008


Came home tonight,
I felt like I’d die of loneliness.
Strange, you think… popularity.
Looking for a simple life.
Life ain’t simple.
I’m tired and sick but I… don’t wanna be alone

Could go to a party,
But I don’t really want to.
For now I’m sitting out here on my porch.
Writing in the dark air,
Listening to… my little black cat miaow.

Trying to vent some of the terrible passion
That’s coursing through me.
Something about you,
Something about spending the afternoon... asleep in your arms…

I hate you.


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Mrs. Hall said...


Amy May said...

I didn't think I could like you more... and then you quoted Eels. Too perfect, seriously.

I'm not sure that I ever commented before, but I'm sorry about Morag. I really hope that you are ok. Or getting close to ok, at least.

Selena said...

I prefer Mr. E's Beautiful Blues....

Do you like the Dandy Warhols? The Last High seems somewhat apropos:

"I was the first to have spoken
And I said just about
All of the things you shouldn't say
So maybe you loved me but now
Maybe you don't
And maybe you'll call me
Maybe you won't (oh)

So I am alone but adored
By a hundred thousand more"

I hope it helps....a little.

Panda said...

Evening, Stan.

That was a bit parched and heavy for a Monday night; what happened this weekend?

Come back soon xx

Anonymous said...

back slowly away from the iPod...

i prescribe 2 hours of Scissor Sisters and a little bit of techno until this passes...

Anonymous said...

...perhaps some things are just never going to work.

I'm sorry.

Anonymous said...

You aint cut out for the Fuck 'Buddy' thang.
Innit x

Anonymous said...

No I'm not + I love you...

La Bête said...

Well, that's fucked up, isn't it? Am I going to have to close comments because of fuckwits like you?

Anonymous said...

{maybe my imagination is convoluted, but i always think 'anonymous' is really quite often probably Morag.}

Anonymous said...

Anon - Bete is right, you know. You are a fuckwit. And you give anons a bad name.

From now on, to differentiate myself from the fuckwittage, I am no longer anon. I am Arse.


Anonymous said...

If you want wallowing music you want to get the Tom Waits out. He'll sort you out a treat.

Anonymous said...

Bate, you are the idiot here not me, you are a self pitying snob. I had feelings for you and I told you but you rejected me, at least I had the guts to tell you how I felt, unlike you with Morag oh woe is me... get over yourself! +

Anonymous said...

And for the record you are the Ars." THE SPOILT BRAT SPOILT ARS." Do you see me looking for pity, I walked out of my lecture crying because of you in front of five hunded students, I am sitting here in a corner on my own, unlike you bubbling and feeling sorry for yourself in front of the most part of London. If you love MORAG then why don't you get off your lazy Ars and go and tell her better still ask her to marry you. And if she rejects you then I'm sure you'll get over it. I know I will.+

Anonymous said...

And if anyone else gives me abuse on here then they'll find out what a "Glasgow Kiss" is from me.+

Roszs Bif said...

Physical threats lose their power when aimed at unidentifiable strangers over the internet, I find.

Chin up Bete, I hope everything works out before you turn into an actual emo...

Clare Sudders said...

Blimey. Forgive me, but am I to understand that "I had feelings for you and I told you but you rejected me" refers to...

anon: "No I'm not + I love you..."
[incidentally: not what?]

bete: "Well, that's fucked up, isn't it? Am I going to have to close comments because of fuckwits like you?"


That small exchange resulted in anon walking out of their lecture in tears, and then coming back to spout abuse?

Because, forgive me if I'm wrong, but I suspect the reason Bete reacted the way he did was cos he thought the original comment was mocking him. I don't think he felt showered with love, at any rate. But even if he did, if you really love someone, do you seriously think you're going to get anywhere by making such a brief and anonymous statement in a comment box? What could possibly result from that, when Bete has no idea who is making the statement or what their intentions are? This takes poor communication to a new level.

Or maybe the whole thing is just a wind-up, in which case I fell for it hook line and sinker.

Seriously though anon, if you really have just declared love in such a weird fashion and then walked out of a lecture in tears based on the result, may I suggest you find new ways of searching for love? You don't seem cut out for comment-box romance.

Or I just totally misunderstood. Which I often do. Hmm.

Selena said...

Dear Anon- you are a fucktard, plain and simple.

Is that considered abuse?

Ohhh NO!!! Please do not headbutt me via the fricking internet- please don't! I'm so scared. In fact I'm shaking in my electric boots over here, worlds away from you. Wait are you the lawn mower man? Are you in my computer?

Nah, you are just a silly little rabbit, aren't you?
With your limp, impotent threats...thanks for making me laugh out loud this morning ;-)

Lindy said...

Christ! What the hell is going ON here?!

La Bête said...

I don't know what's going on here either. I don't like it though. I assumed I was supposed to assume that the original Anonymous comment at 08:18 was from Morag. And as it actually could have been, it caused me considerable anguish, especially when I found out it wasn't. If that wasn't the intention, then I made a mistake. I'm sorry for any tears that have been shed on my account.

But hey, look at this:


It's a line. And it's been drawn under the above confusion.

Let's move on now, shall we?



Anonymous said...

I know your right Claire I'm sorry I missunderstood, the statement was In response to the above comment. I'm not a violent person I was just upset with all horrible comments in general.+

Anonymous said...

This anonymous person is really horrible who is he Bate does anyone know.

Anonymous said...

He sounds very like my ex. +

La Bête said...

FFS, please don't make me close comments. I really don't want to. But this is really, really tedious.

caroline said...

So, moving swiftly on....terrible weather we're having up here in Scotland.

Take care Stan, don't let the bastards grind you down.

Caroline xx

Anonymous said...

Peace Selena, I havent laughed so much in years, need to go just giving my big electric boots a wee shine, and if you come up to Glasgow I'll give you a true Glasgow Kiss a big hug or a wee handshake.x lol.

Selena said...

Olive branch extends towards Anon...towards both Anons.

Seriously, Anon 1 and Anon 2, or if you are both Anon 1 and 2 at the same time- then- I am sorry for calling you all a name. If you are singular, seperate, entities then I am sorry for calling one of you a name...*** So confused, where am I?****
oh yeah-

Although, truth be told- if someone were to be mocking bete about love- that would be "f#$ktard-ish/istic"

But from what I can decipher from this rubiks cube of anonymous words- no harm was meant, but harm was caused, and now- I feel like a guessed it
(I feel like a f&%ktard).

Anyway- I'd be happy- (A little wary of it- to be sure, but happy nonetheless) to accept a true Glasgow Kiss, a big hug, or a wee handshake from you Anon and I'd even give one (of each) back in return.

Especially, if you are the lawn mower man/woman, one must never ever turn down a hug from a cyber god-like entity.

Where does one find polish for their electric boots? Mine are a little tarnished.

iLL Man said...

Set blog to 'no annonymous comments'for a while. Not sure how much help that'll be, but maybe worth a try. Better than having to close comments.

Shimacat said...

Strange, isn't it, how emotion written about at a distance, phrased well and with consideration, is so much more entertaining than emotion in the raw.

And yet, isn't that why you started your blo, to bring yourself out into the messy, noisy, unconsidered world the rest of us live in?

Maybe there's too much going on for you right now, and maybe you should take a break to deal with things, give yourself a bit of time to get your emotional space back. Just a thought.

La Bête said...

Ill Man, yes, I've decided on something similar. Any more horsefeathers and I'll enable comment moderation. I'm rather hoping it was just a temporary blip though, and that it's now passed.

Hey, Shimacat. Yes, you're right. I guess this is what I wanted. Life. Not always rosettes and orgasms, is it?

Anonymous said...

I've only recently discovered your blog - read it all through rather quickly, including the comments (fruity and odd things that they are).

My summary of the problem (and no, I'm not meaning to come across as conceited and profound): an inability to tolerate "hope".

Love contains hope. Hope is pain (ask a Buddhist). Hope gives us something to cling to, but it means being in a state of pain and fear some of the time. You don't want the pain, you don't want the fear... you also don't want to put in the effort. Hope requires effort, and it could be a mixed bag. No guaranteed results, and all that sort of thing.

Don't give up. Any sad bastard can give up. Most of them do.

Clare Sudders said...

Re: the new post. Brilliant writing, terrible pain, makes me sigh and wince and want to give you a hug and feel immensely inadequate as a writer and blogger, and it would almost certainly annoy the fuck out of you if I tried to convince you that love is worth it really, which you know anyway. So. You know. Have a hug. And some admiration.

Night night.

Clare Sudders said...

P.S. I find it very hard to believe you won't get published at some point, but if you're trying to get non-fiction pieces into magazines, you might be starting at the wrong place. Have you tried short fiction? Also, have you tried approaching the revamped Friday Project?

You're a very good writer. Don't give up.

Selena said...

I shed a tear After reading your post. Check out the comic in the link- the characters both remind me of you.

I've felt sorry for the pain and the situation/s that you've found yourself in. I've empathized, but you know what? I think this is the first time I've felt sorry for you as a person.

Love is not easy, it is not blind, it CAN rip your heart out. Love does not sit contentedly within the heart shaped boxes of our designs; forming itself to our naive ideals. It is a very rude awakening when we are forced to realize that fact.

Life... Love... can fill you with so much joy, and sorrow. Sometimes it feels like too much, of either one, to bear.

Yet, underneath all of our protestations and denouncements of its stupidity- we are simply afraid. Afraid to let ourselves be hurt again, or perhaps more afraid that we will never have another chance to feel that much ever again.

A chance to FEEL...
Love is most definitely worth it.

Catofstripes said...

Uh huh, weirdos on the interweb. Who'd a thought it!

Since comments are forbidden on your most recent post this is just to say, it looks like progress of a sort and generally warm fuzzy thoughts of support.

Anonymous said...

Re: the new post.

1. I've lost count of the amount of times I've wished for that 30 seconds cancel your message option. In the end I found deleting her phone number fixed that problem.

2. Why no comments, you didn't let the anons get to you did you?

Anonymous said...

Bete, fuck love. Fuck it all. And Whitney I think wins ANTM. I had to do it since you ruined it the last time! Seriously keep writing. The pain helps you know. Without which we wouldn't have great literature. Angst is good. So are you.

Eloise said...

I just realised that comments are disabled on the latest post, not just me stupidly being able to see them, or them being inexplicably invisible, or something. Am a bit dense.

Anyway, what I have to say, in a nice and not a mean way, is bollocks to all that.

You have NOT been looking for love for 30 years and it is NOT time to give up. You've only been really, actively looking for nine months and you've done a bloody good job so far. It hurts, it hurts like hell, but did you imagine you could find love without getting hurt along the way? Nine months is definitely not long enough to throw in the towel. And even if you have been looking for 30 years, well does that mean no-one over 30 ever finds true love and we should all just give up when we reach that age? Come on man...

You have done such amazing things this year, in getting more healthy and being more alive. You are truly inpirational, your blog - your writing and your honesty - is brilliant, and I admire you. But transformations aren't instant outside of fairytales, and love and happiness take time to find. You've come so far. Please don't stop, don't give up.

I do think it's a good idea to give up on Art,and Beauty, and Truth, and That Sort of Thing. It's the capital letters that do it. I don't think there's anything pure and simple in this world, but I do think beauty is out there, and love. And we're brains and bodies, physical and spiritual - we have to learn to live in our skins and be both.

Anyway don't listen to me if it seems like bollocks. I am really sorry for how you're feeling. It doesn't help, but this too shall pass. Please take care x

Anonymous said...

Thank you for the email you sent me Bate.

1. (....) = Total damage to the broca's Area. (The patient would have no communication ability at all.)

("") = (partial damage to the Brucas Area.) short bursts of simple words.

This is the translation of the email reading and I quote.

" I cannot talk to you at all"

"you are a retard."

How smart of you Bate.

I would just like to highlight the fact that, (I did not give any form of consent to have my private conversations made public on this site).

Also you have diplayed a total disregard towards "HUMANITY". I am a "HUMAN BEING" in my own right and I feel as though my human rights have been violated.


I don't hold any bad feelings towards at all Bate, I just think you should learn how to treat people with respect.


La Bête said...

So. Nine months in and I have my first very own proper nutbag commenter.

For the record, I don’t know who this person is and the above comment makes as much sense to you as it does to me. Reading it again, it does seem genuinely disturbed.

It’s not Morag by the way, which bits of it would seem to suggest.

Anyway, enough. I’ve just enabled comment moderation, which really really pisses me off, but needs must.

I hate the fact that I closed comments on the last post. It makes it all feel utterly pointless. This whole thing is about communication. Comments make communication possible. I'm so fucked off that someone is being mental here and threatening to ruin things. But ironically, it's making me realise what I have here, and how much I'm prepared to fight to keep it.

Bloody internet. Double-edged sword innit.

Hope you are well.

Eloise said...

Scary biscuits! I agree, proper disturbed. But hurray that you're stickin right here!

Anonymous said...

FYI not all anon's are nutters. Some are just readers who do not want to sign up for a blog but occasionally want to say somat. Keep on the good fight but don't take it all to heart.
Calm down it's only a blog?
Ann Anon

Mina McKay said...

I agree!! Down with love. Im 29 and in my 29 years Ive yet to experience love too, so you are not alone...and I dont believe in it either. Its a physiological response...hormones...feh...who needs it. @Selena: Oh that broken heart comic was so sad...:(

Clare Sudders said...

Now that you have moderation enabled, surely you could reinstate comments on the most recent post? Any determined commenter would just come here instead anyway, so you're only deterring the more casual passer-by.

Re: nutters. Ignore them. Delete their comments when necessary, but don't enter into dialogue. It only encourages them, and you can't reason with them anyway, so there's no point trying. Nutters are everywhere. That's life, innit. There's no such thing as purity or perfection. No point getting riled by it either though. Just wave it away and move on.

La Bête said...

Calm down it's only a blog?

God, that's annoying.


Hey, Sudders, yeah, you're right of course, but I think I'm going to leave that one post closed anyway. As a symbol of how cheesed off I was (am) at that (this) point. It seems oddly appropriate.

Lindy said...

Stupid me, I've been trying to leave a comment to your latest brilliant post and it's taken me days to work out that I could just come back to the previous one! Duh! (my daughter is called Antonia - help!!) Anyway, don't you DARE give up on love (Love with a capital 'l' perhaps, but not the other kind) which will, however much you think otherwise, creep up in the most unexpected way, even if you think your heart is hardened. God, you're only 30 and you have achieved so much in the last nine months! I damn well hope you're proud of yourself! No-one said that it would be easy, but each of the three women you have met has taught you something new ("hung like a donkey" too ...lucky them!!) Keep on trucking and remember, your commentators (even the nutters) are part of your story, Bete. Big hug. x

Anonymous said...

Isn't a little part of you liking all this attention tho? :)

Angela-la-la said...

Anonymous commentors are like wasps.
Mostly they're annoying, sometimes they sting, but ultimately one is left puzzled by their seemingly useless presence in the world.

Onwards and upwards, Bete.

La Bête said...

Thanks, Lindy. Keep your daughter off the net.

Anon, I am not a Billy Goat Gruff. Why on earth would I enjoy the attention of spittle-drenched trolls?

Some Anonymous posters are great though, La-la. Like the one above who mentioned that Whitney wins this year's ANTM. The scamp.

Ah, balls to it. It's only a blog.

~ implodes ~

Selena said...


I am not drenched with spittle! ;-)

Spittle may fall occasionally from my bottom lip- but it's not my fault- I've just recently had a case of Bells Palsey that I am currently recovering from.

Hooray for prednisone!


Shimacat said...

I will offer anothr insight into 'anonymous' posters. Those of us who are away from home, reading blogs on portable bits of tech, write a comment, and THEN FORGET OUR BLOGGER PASSWORDS SO WE HAVE TO BE ANONYMOUS.

Not happened to me. Oh, no. Never.

Anonymous said...

That's not true though, Cat. Because all you have to do is put your name at the end of your post like this. Watch.


PS. You see?

Misssy M said...

Bloody hell! Controversy! Oh darling, you've arrived!

(This is what happens when I work too hard and don't go on the internet, I miss stuff...blimey)

Shimacat said...

True, Stan, very true. But perhaps we don't want to admit what twits we sometimes are.

By 'we', I do, of course, mean everyone else. Not me. No.